There are bad movies and then there are BAD movies, Jupiter Ascending, the newest film from directing duo Andy and Lana Wachowski might be the worst you see all year. Where do I begin? Let’s start at the beginning. Remember last summer when Warner Brothers abruptly delayed the release of the film weeks before it was scheduled to open wide? A film which was supposed be one of Warner Brothers tent pole films for the summer of 2014 suddenly cast off to the movie junkyard known as February! Unheard of! But after viewing this film, you can tell why the studios was reluctant to release it. The $175 million dollar sci-fi film by the directors of The Matrix was suppose to be a slam dunk, but this dog will go down as one of the biggest disappointments in cinematic history. Still not convinced? Well let’s dissect this film’s plot shall we?
***SOME POINTS IN THIS ARTICLE MAY CONTAIN SPOILERS****
So we begin in Russia, Jupiter’s mother, Aleksa (Maria Doyle Kennedy), is close to giving birth to Jupiter when Jupiter’s father (James D’Arcy) is murdered under completely ridiculous circumstances. Obviously distraught, Aleska boards a cargo boat for the United States and gives birth to Jupiter at sea, with the help of a contingency of Russian women. Now you may wonder why a nine month pregnant woman would board a cargo ship in a container to give birth to her child, and you would be right to question, but you need to stay on course here people, cause nothing makes sense…nothing. We arrive at present day, Jupiter (Mila Kunis) is a twenty something cleaning lady who lives in a small apartment with her mother and aunt and clean houses all day long. Her life is going nowhere with no relief in sight. But little does Jupiter know that her fate and the fate of the Earth lie in the hands of an alien royal family named the Abrasax’s.
Balem Abrasax (Eddie Redmayne), is the deed holder to the Earth and the elder of the family. At present, Balem finds himself at odds with his siblings over the family wealth. Titus (Douglas Booth), a playboy of sorts who’s fortune has seen better days and Kalique (Tuppence Middleton), a woman whose motives are always for self gain, are jockeying for position amongst the universes wealthy and will stop at nothing to keep their statute in society. Each wants to control the Earth for its vast resources, but Balem will fight for what is his, but he may have another who can claim Earth as their own.
At this point we meet Caine (Channing Tatum), a half-wolf, half-human interplanetary hunter who was contracted to find Jupiter. Yes, I said half wolf and his name is Caine, like canine! I can’t make this shit up. Caine, who has a checkered past, recruits the help of a former ally named Stinger (Sean Bean), who informs Jupiter that she is royalty. Of course this is where another set of bounty hunters show up looking for the would be queen and abduct her. Jupiter comes face to face with Kalique, who informs her of who she is and why she is there. From there on in the film turns into a cat and mouse race of which Abrasax will wind up with Jupiter. All the while the dog, I mean Caine, sets out to hunt Jupiter down and fall in love with her and make little puppies….or something like that. I dunno I was starting to nod off at this point.
So where were we? Ah yes, lost. I think at this point we began the unraveling of crucial plot points which centered around Eddie Redmayne sounding like a wounded Michael Jackson channeling an old British woman on her death bed. My favorite is when his inner Veruca Salt screamed out “I want Jupiter dead! DEAD! NOOOOOW!”. A true artist. The Oscar nominated actor was so abysmal in this film that I truly thought of starting a campaign to strike his name from the Oscar ballet just because of this utter shite. I digress… Something, something, something, CGI fight, something, stupid dialogue and CGI fight, something…aaaaaand role credits. Phew..that was a chore of epic proportions.
The Wachowski’s, best known for their Matrix franchise, have never been ones to shy away from a confusing and intricate film. The duo’s last film, Cloud Atlas, was an ambitious space opera with many moving parts that wow’d critics, but its confusing story was lost of many movie goers and ultimately fell out of grace with the general public. Enter Jupiter Ascending which is yet another attempt at a space opera except this time absolutely nothing works. The story is ridiculous, honestly, when you hear the reveal you’ll laugh out loud. The dialogue was atrocious, the acting was something out of a SyFy channel original movie and the 3D was annoying. The CGI was interesting at times but the film is co bad that the eye candy doesn’t help hold your attention. Channing Tatum, good ole Magic Mike himself, has literally never been worse. I was starting to think his career was taking a turn for the better after 21 Jump Street and this past years breakout role in Foxcatcher, but his performance in Jupiter Ascending reminds us that he is nothing more than a subpar actor with brawn. Mila Kunis delivers one of the most wooden performances you’ll ever see in your life. I actually began to feel bad for her while watching her try and deliver some of the worst written lines in cinematic history. Oh, and Sean Bean, sweet lovable Sean Bean, why Sean Bean must you tarnish your street cred like this SEAN BEAN!?!
Overall, you will be hard pressed to find a worse sci fi movie this year than Jupiter Ascending. I can only hope that if this film finds an audience, that one day future generations will view this film and track the downfall of society to this moment. Andy and Lana Wachowski, may the movie gods have mercy on your souls for releasing this utter steaming pile of horse crap.
1 out of 5
After Credit Scene?
Who cares! I couldn’t take anymore so I didn’t stay